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New Indy film is old hat

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Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is OK. Just OK. Eh, meh, feh, all those underwhelmed monosyllables - any one of them will do. The great Steven Spielberg and the great George Lucas, reteaming with the great Harrison Ford and the great John Williams (cue triumphal brass!), have revived one of the great adventure series in cinematic history with a film of great blandness and mediocrity.

It's not bad, exactly. It's not a desecration of the franchise. It's just . . . tired.

I would say ``old,'' but that might suggest an ageist criticism of the now-65-year-old Ford. Indy has the same gift for rip-snorting swashbucklery he always had - same bullwhip, same drooping brown fedora, same way with his fists - and Ford doles it all out with that same sardonic manliness. Believe me, his AARP qualifications are not an issue.

But there's something pro forma about much of the film, as though director Spielberg, executive producer Lucas and screenwriter David Koepp took that 19-year-old box of Indiana Jones biscuit mix off the shelf and dutifully read the directions. Everything's in there: the pulpy plot, the sepia maps, the ridiculous bad guys, the cobwebby skeletons and the cataclysmic, paranormal whirlwind at the climax.

The film gets off to a killer start in the Nevada desert, ripping through vigorous fight scenes and sassy one-liners with that terrific Jonesy aplomb. Cate Blanchett, sporting a flapper pageboy and an evil Ukrainian accent, plays a spooky Soviet overlord on the hunt for supernatural artifacts. It's 1957, it's the Cold War, and she vants to read our minds. But first she vants the contents of a crate in Area 51, and for that she needs the illustrious Professor Jones. He enters in the trunk of a car, exits on a rocket engine and closes out the movie's wildly entertaining introduction silhouetted against a mushroom cloud.

Yet the title of this film is not Indiana Jones and the Case of the Radiation Poisoning. It is Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, which implies a trip to an ancient civilization and a certain translucid brain case - or, as it turns out, a flimsy-looking hunk of molded plastic. (I've stepped on Lego pieces more substantial.) But it serves as an excuse to introduce young greaser Mutt (Shia LaBeouf) and old colleague Ox (John Hurt). The latter disappears on a quest for the skull and reappears in a poncho, speaking Mayan. There are chase scenes. There are sword fights. There are ants. Indy's old flame Marion (Karen Allen) shows up. So does one of Ford's lines from Star Wars (``I've got a bad feeling about this'').

Indy movies have always looted the classics. I remember sitting in the theater in 1984, slack-jawed at Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom's plunderous homage to Gunga Din. With Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, Spielberg takes this spirit of thievery one step further, stuffing the plot with pilfered bits of old Spielberg movies. I'll leave it to you to identify them; I don't want to give too much away.

But if Indiana Jones looks tired in the stretch, its exhaustion stems in part from two forces outside Spielberg's control. The first is almost 20 years' worth of rip-offs: The Mummy did Indy no favors. And whose fault is it, Spielberg's or Jon Turteltaub's, that Crystal Skull reminded me of National Treasure: Book of Secrets?

Second: These same two decades brought huge advances in computerized visual effects, many of them trailblazed by Lucas and Spielberg themselves. It's natural they would use them on Indy. But there are points in the film where the effects look so airless and digitized - so fake - that they ruin the illusion of down-to-earth, jaw-cracking swagger that made Indiana Jones such darn fun. He always seemed like an average guy. But the movie just seems average.

amy.biancolli@chron.com

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Review: 'Indiana Jones' works but doesn't shine

(CNN) -- It's been a long, long time since the last "last" time: When Dr. Henry "Indiana" Jones Jr. rode off into the sunset in May 1989, courtesy of "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade," the Berlin Wall was still standing, George H.W. Bush was only four months into his presidency, and Harrison Ford was just a young whippersnapper of 46.

Quite why Ford, Steven Spielberg and George Lucas -- three of the wealthiest men in Hollywood -- should feel the need to resurrect Indiana Jones at this late stage of the game is anybody's guess. The three men have a combined age of 191, but like many boomers, they're not ready for the rest home just yet, even if living in the past seems a strange way to show it.

The first Indiana Jones film, "Raiders of the Lost Ark," was already a nostalgia trip when it was released in 1981, a guileless celebration of the old-fashioned Saturday morning adventure serials that were a staple for any kid growing up in the '30s, '40s and '50s. That makes the new film, "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull," a throwback to a throwback.

But time is catching up with the series.

The new film is set in 1957, enabling Ford to act his age (or something like it). But this is the outer edge of a time when America could still believe in the simple black-and-white morality Indiana represents. If the Nazis and the Reds couldn't finish him off, the '60s surely would.

Still, in some ways, the extra years suit Ford. Indiana has always been a surly old sourpuss, a pragmatic, world-weary hero in the classic WWII mold. Indy's fondness for griping is part of what makes him human. And when it comes to trading punches, cracking heads or disinterring the dead, Ford can still get it done. If he can't, his stunt double can.

The movie opens in Nevada, where Dr. Jones is caught up in a daring raid on Area 51 led by Soviet agent Irina Spalko, played by a Cate Blanchett in a severe black bob, long black rubber gloves and a rapier. (It's a get-up so outré, even Joe Stalin would smile.) In a twist worthy of "The Twilight Zone," Indy finds himself in an ersatz small town populated by cardboard figures watching "Howdy Doody" -- a test site for an imminent A-bomb explosion.

This bravura, breakneck opening immediately rekindles the old magic: the mixture of bravado and wit with action sequences that keep piling on layer upon layer of peril. Unfortunately, this is also the high point of the movie, or close to it.

Indiana's brush with the Reds makes him a person of interest to the FBI just after the height of the McCarthy period, a quick, passing nod toward a post-9/11 sensibility that the movie runs away from almost as desperately as Indy scrambles from an army of man-eating ants. At this point, screenwriter David Koepp in effect starts the story all over again, this time with Brylcreemed biker Mutt Williams (Shia LaBeouf) making a clumsy pitch about rescuing his mom from kidnappers in South America.

That, and something about a legendary crystal skull, get Indiana Jones' juices churning, and suddenly the old professor and the young tough are off on an adventure.

This outlandish hokum doesn't bear close scrutiny, so it's probably just as well Dr. Jones is not one for introspection. He does his thinking on his feet, and so does Spielberg, who sometimes seems to be directing this with one eye on the exit signs.

It is good to see Karen Allen back as Marion Ravenwood, easily the pick of Indiana's women. She lends the enterprise some heart that is sorely lacking elsewhere. It's just a pity Koepp can't find more for her to do. (Ray Winstone, as an Indy colleague, is also poorly used.)

A long jungle chase is another bona fide highlight, but Spielberg and Lucas misjudge the film's extravagant CGI climax; I won't spoil it here, but it feels alien to Indy's world. Let's just say we have seen this before, from Spielberg himself, and done better, too.

"Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" has enough going for it to secure the bronze medal in the series and even compete for the silver, but "The Last Crusade" was a more graceful farewell. Indeed, the prospect of a revived series -- either with Ford or LaBeouf in the driver's seat -- isn't especially enticing. "The Adventures of Mutt Williams," anyone?

:)

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